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Country Humour

Some old Farmer's Math

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fighmt with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9, Middle son 6, Youngest son 2

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm. Problem Solved!

Some Wise Country Advice

Good judgment comes from experience and experience, well that comes from bad judgment.

Country girls like to marry a fellow from the military because he can cook, sew, make beds, is healthy and is used to taking orders.

Listening is an art few people have much to say about.

There are three kinds of people on this earth. Those that can count and those that can't.

Time exists so everything doesn't happen at once. Space exists so it doesn't all happen to you.

Some Days You Just Need Your Wife

Short a Wheel

People know when you own an old tractor because

  1. You slow down while driving when you spot an old rust heap under the brush pile.
  2. You start watching the weather channel on Thursday hoping for good show-tractor-weather on the week-end.
  3. Your tractors are older than you but run better.
  4. You try to schedule your vacation around the time of a favourite tractor show.
  5. Parts sellers still call you to see if you have a certain old tractor part.
  6. Hand cranking is the normal way to start a tractor.
  7. Some days you talk to your tractor more than your spouse.
  8. You know where the sweet spot is on the carburetor to unstick the float valve.
  9. You find yourself saying "come on baby you can do it" to something made of old iron.
  10. You keep a clean stick close to the gas tank.
  11. Your family car is parked outside while your tractor is inside the garage.
  12. You get a silly grin when your tractor starts.
  13. You pay your dues to the tractor club so that you work like a dog to get other people to notice your tractor.
  14. You take your antique tractor to pick up the mail because your legs are too sore.

Beware: Vintage Tractor Disease

Symptoms: The sufferer becomes confused and bewildered when not near vintage tractors, and will be observed wandering around with a blank expression, muttering strange words. There is a rapid rise in excitement at the sight of tractors. Behaviour then becomes erratic with much rushing about and waving of the arms. In severe cases, there may be foaming at the mouth. This condition is incurable. To reduce the severity of symptoms, the patient must be well supplied with vintage tractors. They should also be encouraged to go on vintage tractor tours where they can meet other victims of this illness and exchange ideas. Friends can aid recovery with free beer and meals. In case of emergency, contact the nearest antique tractor club for more advice.

For the Hockey Fan

There were a group of young Canadian men on a winter bus trip. They were in a terrible accident and all were killed. Dressed in heavy winter coats, mitts, toques and scarves they were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter who said, sorry guys, but you will all have to go the other way.

When they arrived in hell they were met by the devil who said aren't you guys hot, all dressed in your coats, mitts, toques and scarves. They replied that it was cold were they came from so they liked the heat. So the devil decided to make it hotter. Again he asked the Canadians if they would like to remove their winter clothing. Again they replied that it was cold were they came from and that they liked the heat. This went on and on until the devil had made it as hot as he could. Still the Canadians replied that they liked the heat because it was cold were they came from. By now the devil was extremely upset. I'll fix those guys he vowed. So instead of heat he made hell as cold as possible to see how they would like that. When he went to check on the guys he couldn't believe his eyes. The Canadians were singing, dancing and having a party. Why are you so happy he asked? They said hell has frozen over so the Leafs must have won the cup!

The Husband Store

Sorry gals for this one...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 43,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

What's a Farmer's Tan?

Farmer's tan

The High-Tech Supermarket

A new supermarket in the city has a water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you come to the milk and cheese section, you hear cows mooing and enjoy the smell of fresh cut hay drying. When you come to the egg cooler, you hear hens clucking and cackling and the air is filled with the aroma of fried bacon and eggs. When you come to the vegetable section, you smell fresh buttered corn and steamy tomato soup.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!

Where It All Started

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into the valley." Adam said, "What is a valley?" God explained it to him.
God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What is a river?" God explained it to him.
God said, "Go over that hill." Adam said, "What is a hill?" God explained it to him.
God said, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, "What is a cave?" God explained it to him.
God said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What is a woman?" God explained it to him.
God said, "I want you to go to the woman and multiply." Adam said, "How do I multiply?" God explained it to him.
So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill into the cave and finds the woman. Then in 5 minutes he was back. God, surprised to see him back so soon, said, "What is it now?"

Adam said, "What's a headache?"

A Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

The Good Old Days

Hey Dad, one of my kids asked the other day. What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up? We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, I informed him. All the food was slow. C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat? It was a place called 'at home', I explained. Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it. By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it.

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Memories from a Friend

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?

  1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
  2. Ignition switches on the dashboard.
  3. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
  4. Real ice boxes.
  5. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
  6. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
  7. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz

Count all the ones that you remember

  1. Blackjack chewing gum
  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  3. Candy cigarettes
  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
  5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  7. Party lines
  8. Newsreels before the movie
  9. P.F. Flyers
  10. Butch wax
  11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
  12. Peashooters
  13. Howdy Doody
  14. 45 RPM records
  15. S&H Green Stamps
  16. Hi-fi's
  17. Metal ice trays with lever
  18. Mimeograph paper
  19. Blue flashbulb
  20. Packards
  21. Roller skate keys
  22. Cork popguns
  23. Drive-ins
  24. Studebakers
  25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Is A Computer Male or Female?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a heavenly voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

For Husbands Only

How to keep your wife under control..................

A man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

A second man married a woman from MICHIGAN. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

A third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Request For Use of Family Car!

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

---- his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A Farmer's Humour

An old farmer had owned a large farm for years. He had a nice pond in the back, that he surrounded with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and a gazebo. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond, their clothes scattered around the gazebo. When the women realized he was there, they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

I just came to feed the alligator."

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says," First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

You Know You're Over 60 Years Old When....

  1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run --anywhere.
  4. People call at 9 pm (or 9 am) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
  8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
  9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
  10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  13. You sing along with elevator music.
  14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
  15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
  20. You look for your glasses only to remember you are wearing them.

The Tractor Collectors' Ten Commandments

from the Burford Tractor Club

  1. thou shalt not store thy tractor outdoors except for thy modern iron.
  2. thou shalt not covet thy neighbours tractor, nor his shop, nor his battery charger.
  3. thou shalt not love thy tractor more than thy wife and children.
  4. thou shalt not read antique power on company time, for the employer makes it possible to continue thy tool payments.
  5. thou shalt not despise thy neighbours Farmall, nor his John Deere, not even his 2N on steel.
  6. thou shalt not allow thy daughters, nor thy sons to get married during the holy days of the national tractor convention.
  7. thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thou art taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed, thou art going to look at another tractor.
  8. thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition to thy house then use it to store tractor.
  9. thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of the restoration.
  10. thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.


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